The Juggling Act
(Volume 1, Issue 1, May, 2001)

A quarterly email newsletter that helps successful women manage their businesses, their careers and their complex lives

1. Reflections on the Reality of Imperfect Control: Part 1

2. Recommended Reading: Imperfect Control by Judith Viorst

3. Three Strategies for Controlling What You Can and Letting Go of the Rest

4. Announcement: Stress Management for Fertility Patients: 4-week teleclass June, 2001

Do you know a successful woman who might benefit from this newsletter? Help her resolve her dilemmas by forwarding this email newsletter to her.

REFLECTIONS ON THE REALITY OF IMPERFECT CONTROL: Part 1

I have to confess that I like control. And that quality serves me well in much of my life. For instance, it contributes substantially to my motivation to be self-employed as a clinical and consulting psychologist and professional coach, which I enjoy. However, sometimes my preoccupation with control keeps me lying awake at night, and it can also drive my husband a little nuts.

I mention this because I think many successful women share similar tendencies, with all the good and bad that accompanies them. We may feel we have to be (or least appear) perfect, lest we be found lacking. We may feel that we have to carefully orchestrate all of the details of our domestic and professional lives, lest it all collapse. The idea that we should be in control, or get control if we’re not, is promoted widely in popular culture. Think of the number of book titles that refer to taking control of something. And it’s an appealing idea, because feeling out of control is pretty uncomfortable for many of us. However, feeling we need to be in control—of our bodies, of our emotions, of our environments, of events, of our families—can make our already complex lives yet more stressful.

Here is why: control is really an illusion. For the most part at least. We can be competent. We can be organized. We can be accomplished. Those attainments are not an illusion. But human nature, and the course of life, are inherently unpredictable and messy. Uncertainty and messes are hard truths to live with. But when we try to control the fundamentally uncontrollable, we increase our stress because we are trying to do the impossible. Accepting the limits of our control is often a life-long challenge. And paradoxically, surrendering control (I have a hard time with surrender) can free us to act as agents in those parts of our lives where we can make a difference. I certainly don’t claim to have resolved the matter myself. However, it seems to me to be a worthwhile process to embark upon.

In the next issue I will address the flip side, what I call Abdication of control, which places us in a victim stance.

RECOMMENDED READING

Imperfect Control: Our Lifelong Struggles With Power and Surrender

by Judith Viorst, published in 1998.

Judith Viorst is wise and accessible. She understands and traces the life-long struggle to accept our limitations as well as our responsibilities. She is an articulate writer who vividly captures our human ambivalence about power and control.

THREE STRATEGIES FOR CONTROLLING WHAT YOU CAN AND LETTING GO OF THE REST

1. ASK YOURSELF IF YOUR EFFORTS, YOUR DETERMINATION, OR YOUR WILL CAN ACTUALLY MAKE AN IMPACT ON THE SITUATION.

Sometimes when we persevere in our efforts, there is a meaningful payoff. Other times we’re just being stubborn and wasting our energy.

2. ASK YOURSELF IF THE PRICE OF CONTINUED EFFORT TO ACHIEVE CONTROL IS WORTH THE ENERGY.

So let’s say you determine that continuing to try to get control can get you the control you want. But, if it comes at the price of, say, high conflict with your spouse or employer, in this instance is it worth it? Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t, this time.

3. WHEN THERE ARE IMPORTANT ASPECTS OF YOUR LIFE THAT ARE BEYOND YOUR CONTROL IN, DEVOTE YOURSELF TO A SATISFYING PROJECT.

This is about finding an outlet that (a) gives you a sense of some control and (b) is gratifying in its own right. At a given point in time, depending on who you are, planting a garden might be a satisfying project. For someone else, volunteering to work with kids could be a meaningful outlet. This has to do with controlling what you can and directing your energy meaningfully.

ANNOUNCEMENT: STRESS MANAGEMENT FOR FERTILITY PATIENTS

4-WEEK TELECLASS

JUNE 4-JUNE 25, 2001

7-8 PM CENTRAL TIME

Fertility treatment is inherently stressful. This 4 week teleclass teaches mind-body techniques for stress management that make the treatment process more manageable, and may improve the chances of conception.

Cost: $195

($155 before May 22, 2001 or if you sign up with a friend)

Free preview class: Mon., May 21, 2001, 7-8 pm /Central Time.

Class size is limited because of the personal nature of the issues. Advance registration is required. To inquire, send an email to:

DrWarren@multicoach.org

or call (312) 595-1691.

TO LEARN MORE

We now have a telephone number that you can call into 24 hours a day/seven days a week. You will hear a taped interview with Dr. Warren about how coaching helps successful women. The prerecorded message is about 10 minutes long. The telephone number is (212) 461- 2646.

Or you can visit our web site at www.multicoach.org.

ABOUT SARAH B. WARREN, PH.D.

Sarah Warren hails originally from Boston. She graduated with a Bachelor's degree in Social Sciences at University of Michigan. She earned her doctorate in Clinical Psychology at Northwestern University. She wrote her dissertation on and has published articles on adoption. She completed a postdoctoral fellowship at University of Chicago. She has held clinical and administrative positions at Northwestern Memorial Hospital, Rush-Presbyterian-St. Luke's Hospital and the University of Chicago. She is a graduate of the Mentor Coach Program ™.

In addition to coaching successful professionals, she enjoys offering psychotherapy, expert witness, employment psychological assessments, and consulting to businesses. In all of these capacities she has had the opportunity to work with bright, energetic and ambitious people in various fields, including law, academia, medicine, and business. Coaching allows her to use her personal and professional experience to help others who face similar challenges.

Dr. Warren in is a licensed Clinical Psychologist and has been in private practice in Chicago and Evanston, Illinois since 1989.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Sarah B. Warren, Ph.D. & Associates, P.C.
480 N. McClurg Court, Suite 513
Chicago, Il 60611
Phone: (312) 595-1691
Fax: (312) 595-1492
Email: DrWarren@multicoach.org
Web: www.multicoach.org

©Copyright 2001 Sarah B. Warren. All rights reserved.

The above material may be retransmitted or distributed to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information. However, you may not copy it to a web site.

Republication of "The Juggling Act" in paper media is encouraged and permitted by organizations and associations that serve successful women at the national, state and/or local level as long as the issue is reprinted in its entirety without charge and includes the contact information. With advance permission, we are happy to edit an issue to fit your space requirements.

Republication is also encouraged under other circumstances, but the advance permission of Sarah Warren must be obtained in the event that changes in the text are desired or republication is to be made by individuals or by organizations other than those mentioned above.

SUBSCRIBING AND UNSUBSCRIBING

We never sell or distribute our email list.

If you would like to subscribe to this email newsletter, please send an email to: Juggling Act-subscribe@multicoach.org.

If you would like to have your name removed from the subscription list, please send an email to: Juggling Act-unsubscribe@multicoach.org.

The Juggling Act: A free email newsletter that helps successful women manage their businesses, their careers and their complex lives. Visit our web site at www.multicoach.org.