Sarah B. Warren, Ph.D. & Associates, P.C.
480 N. McClurg Court, Suite 513
Chicago, IL 60611
Phone: (312) 595-1691
Fax: (312) 595-1492
Email: DrWarren@multicoach.org
Website: www.multicoach.org
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The
Juggling Act A quarterly email newsletter that helps successful women manage their businesses, their careers and their complex lives In this issue: 2. Three Strategies for Climbing Out of the Victim Role 3. Recommended Reading: True Love Waits: Essays and Criticism by Wendy Kaminer Do you know a successful woman who might benefit from this newsletter? Help her resolve her dilemmas by forwarding this email newsletter to her. REFLECTIONS
ON THE REALITY OF IMPERFECT CONTROL: Part 2 by Sarah B. Warren, Ph.D. In the last issue, I discussed the problem of wanting too much control. This issue deals with the flip side: what I call abdication of control. Abdication occurs when we give up control that we could otherwise make good use of as agents on our own behalf. A few years ago, I was talking to a friend who was then married to a man who was not only unfaithful but was sleeping with her friends. (Details have been changed to protect identities throughout this essay.) She was bemoaning her fate. Her friends all talked to her about what a "dog" he was (and he was), and about how he needed help. The shortcoming of this approach was that she never evaluated either her choice of him as a mate or her options. (They had no children and she was financially independent.) She remained in a stuck posture as the victim of his infidelity. And she continued to be miserable. I don't mean to take excessive credit here, but years later she told me that I was the only person who challenged her to look at her own choices. And she was grateful for the challenge. Abdication vs. surrender The distinction I am making between abdication and surrender is tricky but important. Surrender is what we need to do (however hard it is, and I know how hard it can be) when we really do not have control in a given situation. It's about not flying into a rage when we have to get some place on time and we're stuck in traffic. It's about accepting that we have a medical condition such as diabetes that requires that we make certain changes in lifestyle in order to remain healthy. It's about realizing that we've done everything we can to make a difficult relationship with an employer (or mate) work, and it's time to move on. I was talking to a friend not long ago about the ironic concept of a "birth plan" which some people recommend developing prior to going into childbirth. My friend, who was then pregnant with her second child, was commenting that the whole experience of childbirth (and parenting) is about giving oneself over to an experience that defies planning. Her attitude represents surrender. Surrender is actually called for and healthy under certain circumstances. And, it is freeing. It frees energy to do what can be done instead of fighting impossible battles. Abdication, however, is not called for. As I am using the term, it is about refusing to recognize and exercise options that are available-- as with the woman who was married to the philanderer. It is about failing to make peace with reality. It is about ignoring opportunities to take action to improve our lot in life. It is both active and passive-it is an active refusal to take action and responsibility, leaving ourselves in an apparently passive posture. And whereas surrender is paradoxically empowering, abdication is always disempowering. Further, the source of the disempowerment is ourselves (in sharp contrast to certain social and cultural forms of disempowerment). Even though the source of the disempowerment is ourselves, we tend to feel angry at being in the spot we're in, and to feel completely justified in our anger. Abdication and Anger Timothy McVeigh, whom we've all had occasion to consider recently, is a case in point. As he communicated in interviews and in his final words prior to his execution, he saw himself as a victim, he was enraged at what he saw as his unhappy lot in life, he overidentified with others whom he saw as victims, and he felt completely justified in his murderous actions (his victimization of others) as a result. McVeigh, of course, represents an extreme point on the continuum. But we live out less extreme points on the continuum all the time. Your husband says something innocent that hurts your feelings and you say something sarcastic back. A driver cuts you off and you lean on your horn. Or you are secretly angry that you're not getting what we want in your relationship and you sulk about it. So, abdication feeds anger and conflict. Surrender decreases anger and conflict. Abdication is demobilizing. Surrender is mobilizing. When we let go of things we can't control, we take better care of ourselves, we are less stressed, we get along better, and we make better choices. THREE STRATEGIES FOR CLIMBING OUT OF THE VICTIM ROLE 1. ASK YOURSELF WHAT YOUR OPTIONS REALLY ARE. When we feel trapped in the victim role, we pretty much by definition believe we don't have any choices. There are, of course, some rare circumstances in which our options are severely limited (when attacked at gunpoint, when imprisoned-although the Existentialists might disagree). Most of the time, however, we have some degree of choice, it's just that when we are stuck in the victim role we're not acknowledging our choices. So, we can push past the resistance to seeing options and examine our choices, which then paves the way to taking action to alter our circumstances. 2. ASK YOURSELF WHAT YOU CAN LEARN. Life is full of hard experiences, some of which are protracted. Identifying what we can learn along the way is way of turning an awful experience into something that can enrich our understanding of ourselves and deepen our empathy for others. 3. RECOGNIZE THAT SUFFERING IS PART OF THE HUMAN CONDITION. Herein lies another paradox. Accepting suffering doesn't mean wallowing in it. Just because we suffer, does not mean that we're being unfairly singled out (which would make us feel like victims). It means accepting our humanity. And as humans we are not alone in our suffering. True Love Waits: Essays and Criticism by Wendy Kaminer, published in 1996. Wendy Kaminer has written extensively on gender, the law and the self-help movement. Her work is somewhat controversial in some circles, because, I think, she is perceived as unsympathetic and strident. Although I do not agree with Kaminer on all points, I believe that she is less strident and harsh than she might seem. In fact, I think she understands that often when people cast themselves in the victim role (as women, as children of alcoholics, for instance), they give up power the very power that on some level they seek. I find myself in an interesting position with respect to her work in that she offers an elaborate critique of what she calls the "personal-development tradition." One could certainly argue that as a clinical psychologist and coach, I practice within the very tradition she critiques. I certainly believe that it is important and useful to understand our life histories, including our pain. However, to the extent that people come to me because they want to make their lives better, I do not believe that simply focusing on all of the wrongs that have been inflicted on someone serves their purpose. Rather, I find it more useful to help people acknowledge their pain, and since history cannot be undone, nor does it explain everything, then move on to identifying choices they can make on their own behalf. TO LEARN MORE We now have a telephone number that you can call into 24 hours a day/seven days a week. You will hear a taped interview with Dr. Warren about how coaching helps successful women. The prerecorded message is about 10 minutes long. The telephone number is (212) 461- 2646. Or you can visit our web site at www.multicoach.org. ABOUT SARAH B. WARREN, PH.D. Sarah Warren hails originally from Boston. She graduated with a Bachelor's degree in Social Sciences at University of Michigan. She earned her doctorate in Clinical Psychology at Northwestern University. She wrote her dissertation on and has published articles on adoption. She completed a postdoctoral fellowship at University of Chicago. She has held clinical and administrative positions at Northwestern Memorial Hospital, Rush-Presbyterian-St. Luke's Hospital and the University of Chicago. She is a graduate of the Mentor Coach Program ™. In addition to coaching successful professionals, she enjoys offering psychotherapy, expert witness, employment psychological assessments, and consulting to businesses. In all of these capacities she has had the opportunity to work with bright, energetic and ambitious people in various fields, including law, academia, medicine, and business. Coaching allows her to use her personal and professional experience to help others who face similar challenges. Dr. Warren in is a licensed Clinical Psychologist and has been in private practice in Chicago and Evanston, Illinois since 1989. CONTACT INFORMATION
Sarah B. Warren, Ph.D.
& Associates, P.C. ©Copyright 2001 Sarah B. Warren. All rights reserved. The above material may be retransmitted or distributed to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information. However, you may not copy it to a web site. Republication of "The Juggling Act" in paper media is encouraged and permitted by organizations and associations that serve successful women at the national, state and/or local level as long as the issue is reprinted in its entirety without charge and includes the contact information. With advance permission, we are happy to edit an issue to fit your space requirements. Republication is also encouraged under other circumstances, but the advance permission of Sarah Warren must be obtained in the event that changes in the text are desired or republication is to be made by individuals or by organizations other than those mentioned above. SUBSCRIBING AND UNSUBSCRIBING We never sell or distribute our email list. If you would like to subscribe to this email newsletter, please send an email to: Juggling Act-subscribe@multicoach.org. If you would like to have your name removed from the subscription list, please send an email to: Juggling Act-unsubscribe@multicoach.org. The Juggling Act: A free email newsletter that helps successful women manage their businesses, their careers and their complex lives. Visit our web site at www.multicoach.org. |