Sarah B. Warren, Ph.D. & Associates, P.C.
480 N. McClurg Court, Suite 513
Chicago, IL 60611
Phone: (312) 595-1691
Fax: (312) 595-1492
Email: DrWarren@multicoach.org
Website: www.multicoach.org
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The
Juggling Act A quarterly email newsletter that helps successful women manage their businesses, their careers and their complex lives In this issue: 1. The Challenge that is Love, by Sarah B. Warren, Ph.D. 2. Three Strategies for Working with the Challenge of Love 3.
Recommended Reading: Poetry Speaks, edited Do you know a successful woman who might benefit from this newsletter? Help her resolve her dilemmas by forwarding this email newsletter to her. by Sarah B. Warren, Ph.D. Now
that I have your heart by heart, I see Now
that I have your heart by heart, I see. That
is why marriage is so much more interesting than divorce, The Weight of High Expectations Those of us born after World War II and living in affluent societies, collectively are afflicted with inordinately high expectations of satisfaction and comfort in our lives. We drive SUVs and similar cars that represent a fantasy life. We insist on stimulating, rewarding professional lives. We expect ourselves to be exempt from the indignities of middle age and aging. We are not content with an ordinary "good" life. "Extraordinary" is the goal. Of course, love relationships are not exempt. We look to our partners for deep friendship, passionate sex, economic enhancement, shared interests, stimulating conversation, and more. Along the way, we can crush our relationships (and other parts of our lives) under the weight of inordinately high, impossible expectations. Some of our expectations are fueled by the current "dream big" cultural climate, some by artifacts of our personal histories. Either way, the reality is that no one person, no matter how well matched, can satisfy all of our needs and longings. Based on my professional and personal observations, I believe that many otherwise viable intimate relationships either end or struggle unduly, primarily because one or both partners has unrealistically high expectations of romance, compatibility, passion, or tranquility (or some combination thereof). The reality, I think, is that living together is difficult-but generally not impossible. Conflict of one sort or another is a given, as is disappointment, but conflict and disappointment aren't necessarily death knells. Lowering Expectations of Love: Settling or Common Sense Lowering expectations is often not a sign of having chosen poorly; it's often a sign of good sense. A few years ago, the comedian, Carl Reiner, said the secret to his long marriage was that he married someone he could tolerate. It sounds so minimal that it's hard to swallow. But perhaps he has a point. Lest I be misunderstood, let me state clearly that I am not advocating that people stay in abusive or otherwise untenable relationships. Nor am I offering the unrealistic alternative of dropping all romantic notions and returning to the once-pervasive model of marriage as a purely economic arrangement. I think that most relationships fall in the gray middle zone that is probably viable, with some adjustment in expectations, and perhaps some tweaking. The Paradoxical Path to Appreciating What We Have Curbing
our unrealistic hopes and expectations, and reconciling ourselves
to the fact that the ideal relationship is a fiction, frees us to
enjoy what we have. I can work myself into a pretty good snit about
the fact that my husband leaves a trail of tools and opened envelopes
and dry cleaning tags; he can get agitated about the crumbs I leave
on the counter. I can fret about the fact that I married someone
who finds movies and novels much more compelling than domestic responsibilities;
he can stew about the fact that he married a multi-tasker who rests
only when necessary. The fact is we like and respect each other,
and that's pretty good. We could trade each other in, but we'd only
be trading one set of annoyances for another. Every time we have
an argument, we later we recommit to working with what we have.
THREE STRATEGIES FOR WORKING WITH THE CHALLENGE OF LOVE 1. EMBRACING DIFFERENCE. I own many clothes and numerous pairs of shoes. During our courtship, my then-future husband once counted over a hundred pairs of shoes. He decided then that this idiosyncratic habit of mine was one that he would embrace. Ever since, he has tried to come up with storage solutions (instead of trying to get me to thin out the collection). I have to say, he may be better at accepting and working with our differences than I am, but I'm working on it. 2. THE VALUE OF HUMOR. Humor is perhaps one of the greatest saving graces is humor in times of tension and conflict. Gentle humor can turn an impending argument into a moment of laughter. When we laugh at ourselves, we're not taking ourselves, and our conflicts, too seriously; it's easier to maintain perspective on what's really important. It goes without saying, perhaps, that sarcastic or cutting humor has the opposite effect. 3. REMEMBER, DIFFERENCE IS INEVITABLE. No matter how good your marriage, no matter who you married, no matter how much you have in common, there will be differences. And some of those differences will be annoying at minimum. And if you're looking for love, you'll be sorely and repeatedly disappointed if your standard is finding someone who is just like you. So if difference is a given, we can either work with it or against it. Poetry Speaks: Hear great poets read their work from Tennyson to Plath. Edited by Elise Paschen and Rebekah Presson Mosby, published in 2001. This lovely collection of poetry includes not only print versions of a wide range of poems but a three-CD collection of recordings of the poets reading their own works. In addition, there are essays about each of the poets in the collection. The anthology is widely available, including on my website: www.multicoach.org Upcoming Telecoaching Groups: Announcing the Formation of the "Clinicians in Transition Telecoaching Club" Since developing a coaching practice, I have enjoyed working with mental health professionals (among others) in the Chicago area and around the country on issues related to their careers and practices. I have just wrapped up a 6 week telegroup on diversifying and marketing a practice. I am planning to offer an ongoing monthly coaching telegroup for mental health professionals in transition. The purpose of the group will be to help clinicians develop and implement over time a plan for transitioning their practice. The group is designed to help clinicians who want to achieve any number of goals: expand, diversify, relocate, plan for retirement, start a private practice, and even leave the mental health field. Details will follow. If
you are interested in learning more, please email me at DrWarren@multicoach.org
or call me at (312) 595-1691. TO LEARN MORE We now have a telephone number that you can call into 24 hours a day/seven days a week. You will hear a taped interview with Dr. Warren about how coaching helps successful women. The prerecorded message is about 10 minutes long. The telephone number is (212) 461- 2646. Or you can visit our web site at www.multicoach.org. ABOUT SARAH B. WARREN, PH.D. Sarah Warren hails originally from Boston. She graduated with a Bachelor's degree in Social Sciences at University of Michigan. She earned her doctorate in Clinical Psychology at Northwestern University. She wrote her dissertation on and has published articles on adoption. She completed a postdoctoral fellowship at University of Chicago. She has held clinical and administrative positions at Northwestern Memorial Hospital, Rush-Presbyterian-St. Luke's Hospital and the University of Chicago. She is a graduate of the Mentor Coach Program ™. In addition to coaching successful professionals, she enjoys offering psychotherapy, expert witness, employment psychological assessments, and consulting to businesses. In all of these capacities she has had the opportunity to work with bright, energetic and ambitious people in various fields, including law, academia, medicine, and business. Coaching allows her to use her personal and professional experience to help others who face similar challenges. Dr. Warren in is a licensed Clinical Psychologist and has been in private practice in Chicago and Evanston, Illinois since 1989. CONTACT INFORMATION
Sarah B. Warren, Ph.D.
& Associates, P.C. ©Copyright 2001 Sarah B. Warren. All rights reserved. The above material may be retransmitted or distributed to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information. However, you may not copy it to a web site. Republication of "The Juggling Act" in paper media is encouraged and permitted by organizations and associations that serve successful women at the national, state and/or local level as long as the issue is reprinted in its entirety without charge and includes the contact information. With advance permission, we are happy to edit an issue to fit your space requirements. Republication is also encouraged under other circumstances, but the advance permission of Sarah Warren must be obtained in the event that changes in the text are desired or republication is to be made by individuals or by organizations other than those mentioned above. SUBSCRIBING AND UNSUBSCRIBING We never sell or distribute our email list. If you would like to subscribe to this email newsletter, please send an email to: Juggling Act-subscribe@multicoach.org. If you would like to have your name removed from the subscription list, please send an email to: Juggling Act-unsubscribe@multicoach.org. The Juggling Act: A free email newsletter that helps successful women manage their businesses, their careers and their complex lives. Visit our web site at www.multicoach.org. |